A true story and written by Rungano X.
Edited by Tambu Kahari
5 May 2008.
I can’t stop feeling like I am in some kind of nightmare that will not end. Life is not supposed to be like this…. I’ve read all the stories and watched the movies, people like me end up happy. But instead, it’s been a spiral of a lot of unhappy moments.
I’ve been here before, I know I have, it was six years ago. I was standing in these very shoes at this very same place. So, I keep asking myself, “Why am I back here?” Did I not learn anything from the first time? Or, does it matter at all? I mean, is this my life? Will it always be like this? They say life is what you make it. I would like to think I have given life my best shot. I have always believed that I am a good person. Or maybe I just think that I am a “good person” when in reality I am not. I cannot begin to tell the story that is my nightmare for where do I start? At birth or to the events of recent years? I want to say this is unfair, but I don’t think I have ever known “fair” for me to compare. Then of course, I want to ask, “why me?” but if not me, then who?
There is one person who I have never liked in this world. Over the years I have asked myself several times why I do not like her. Could it be all the Cinderella trauma she put me through or because the world says I should hate her and therefore, I do? Anyway, the reason I bring her up is because this one person I like very little said something that has been playing in my head over and over and over again.
The fact is, life has been very cruel to me and there a great deal of loved ones whom I would love to blame. For if life has taught me anything, it is that its so much easier to point a finger at someone else and not have to look at your own role in the whole situation. So, back to this woman I do not like…..
What did she say to me? What words of wisdom could she have said to me about 20 years ago? What could she have said that still rings in my ears today?
“Rungano, this world does not owe you any favours simply because you were born!”
Very harsh words indeed to a nine year old, but now that I am older it seems to be very practical advice. Do I want to thank this woman for her words? No. I absolutely do not want to. Instead, all I can say is that I choose to take that comment and use it as a cornerstone for the foundation that is to become my life.
I bought this book today because I felt defeated. I felt I could not see the end of this nightmare. But as I sit here, right now, alone , truly alone, and wanting so badly to blame someone, anyone for that matter for my bad decisions, her words ring again…..This world owes me no favours.
You see, these words actually inspire. How so you ask?
Well, I will give an example, a real example – my children.
Samuel- I put all into my relationship with Godfrey. Tatenda- the same thing. I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing else to give. I feel or should I say I felt like all I did was give and never got back in return, in both relationships.
This is why I started this conversation with saying, “I’ve been here before.” I have walked this path and I feel I know how it will end. Do I remain life’s victim and wait for my favour or do I open my eyes and expect more? What to do?
You see, my children are special to me, both of them, even though Tatenda is not yet born. I would not trade my children. Is it fair then to say they are the fruit of my labour? I think so. If I was to compare them to fruit, I would have to say they are like prickly pears ….where you have to fight with the cactus to get to the fruit, and even then the war is not over, for the fruit is covered with hundreds of little thorns. I remember as a little child beating the “mudhorofiya” with little green branches to remove the thorns and then afterwards sitting on a rock to savour the slice of heaven that is inside. So, what am I getting at? All I can say for now is that I know that it will be a crazy, difficult task to raise my kids – but, do I look at that as a thorn in my butt or a slice of Heaven?
