Written
by
Sally Spencer.
Yes I know that it is old news but I take time to find an angle for a story. Well I have found it now. I want to use this as a learning curve for us parents/all parents.
Physical and mental abuse does not just fall out of the sky. It has to come from somewhere. That somewhere is a place where the abusers and abused have learnt to either abuse or be abused. Who are the two most important people in a person’s life? Their parents. That is where they get the basis of how to deal with people and the world.
We, as parents give birth to babies who are clean slates. They know nothing. We are their teachers in every way. We teach them to cry when they are hungry or when they want to be picked up. We are the writers on the slate board of life right from the beginning.
As parents we have to learn how to deal with each other in front of our kids with dignity and respect. If we come from homes where there has been verbal and physical abuse then we need to go for therapy before we even bring kids into the world.
So many abusers say that they do not know how to handle their anger properly. They only know what they have learnt which is to either verbally abuse or knock 10 colours of shit out of their partners. They were raised with insults or flying fists.
Go back in time and remember how you felt as a child when you heard your parents arguing or even having a stand up screaming row.
I was very lucky in some ways because my Mom and Dad very, very seldom had a row in front of us kids. They would look at each other and leave and go to their bedroom, close the door and do their thing. When they came out, the row was over and done with.
But the few times that I did witness a fight it really traumatised me and I would go to my room and end up blaming myself for them fighting even if it had nothing to do with me. It effected me for the rest of my life as I would always think that people were looking at me or fighting because of me. I became so self-conscious about myself. When I walked into a room the first place I would go for was a corner away from everyone so that I was not noticed.
Food became my best friend and comforter. That led to my mother forever verbally insulting me. I was fat, greedy and not as clever as my younger sister was. I would hear these things regularly. I never saw or received physical abuse but the verbal abuse was just as soul destroying. Actually, I think that verbal abuse is much worse as it destroys the very core of who you are. It lasts for a lifetime and affects everything that a person does and who they become.
As much as I detest verbal abuse, I grew up, got married and ended up verbally abusing my hubby and kids. I can cut any human being down with my tongue and completely destroy them without hesitating. It got so bad that it was ‘’I will get you before you get me’’. Hubby had no idea how to handle me. He had come from a completely dysfunctional family as well. He ended up lashing out with punches and kicks and all this disgusting performance took place in full view of our kids.
They grew up watching their mother slice their father to pieces and their father bashing their mother around.
Each time we as parents fight or argue with each other in front of our kids or even worse still beat each other up with fists we change who our kids are. The change that we cause is not for the good either. Kids also have a habit of taking any problem between their parents and personalizing it. They blame themselves.
The way a man treats his wife in front of the kids will be the same way that his son will treat the females that come into his life. It will also be the way that his daughter will allow men to treat her. That works the other way as well.
It is time for us parents and the ones that want to be parents to get our acts cleaned up and save our kids from our violence. Violence that we inherited from our parents.
We need to get help for our selves and our kids. This abuse and violence has to be stopped. Our kids are destroying themselves and those around them. Our daughters are allowing men to get them pregnant at young ages, leaving them with babies that will grow up daddyless while they just move on to the next girl. Our son’s are so filled with anger that they end up abusing or killing our daughter’s. they don’t know what to do or how to handle them selves properly.
Our kids don’t even know how to honour and respect and love themselves so how can they respect, honour and love other’s.
We need to change and get help to change.
