Writen
by
Tambu Kahari.
You don’t get to be my age without being approached by married men. In fact, in our region you can be ten years old and be hit on by your friend’s father who is happily married to her mother.
Married men…hmm, that is one road I have refused to take. I have chosen this stance for many reasons. My father was very promiscuous. Today I see what his promiscuity cost us. It was a lot. He spent a lot of money on his “hobby” rather than on his children and wife. I wouldn’t do that to other children.
My second reason is the wife. When a man is cheating, he is mean to his wife. He treats her like trash and I for one, don’t want to be responsible for another woman’s tears. I know you barracudas out there think I am weak. So be it. I don’t want to cause pain.
The last reason is of course the most important. I value myself. I don’t want to play second fiddle to another woman. I want to be the woman a man comes home to, not the one he leaves.
It is hard to stick to those principles
All around me are women my age sleeping with married men and not caring a hoot. They make it look easy. A few of my friends have been the “other woman” for years. At times the wife has given up and at others; my friend has called it quits. I envy the friends who stand their ground against dating married men and I envy the friends who give in to their desire and have relationships with married men.
Why do I envy both? I envy the woman who refuses to give in to desire because it takes one hell of a fight within oneself. I also envy the one who doesn’t care about the social boundaries and goes for what she wants because she is a go getter. She doesn’t care about society and its rules on love and sex. She is brave and strong to admit her wants and make them real.
Should I date a married man?
The question always arises in my life without fail. Should I date a married man? If so, what will happen to me? Yes. The selfish question of the day is what will happen to me? I always imagine that it is nothing good.
As I am only human, I have often found myself in heavy duty crushes for married men. I have questioned my principles and more often than not, wanted to flash them down the toilet. That’s right. Some married men are sweet enough to eat! Girls, you know what I am talking about. You know.
I have always been strong and kept my desires in check. I have felt good about myself way afterwards.
There is always that one man.
A few weeks ago, I met a man. I liked him the way a woman likes a man. I knew that he liked me the same way. It was one of those moments where the attraction is mutual and instant. You know how rare that is. As we talked, we discovered that we had something in common. We loved sci fi.
He made me laugh and got me to tell him a secret all in one go. I don’t laugh often and I certainly retain my secrets like the Scorpio that I am. This was an amazing meeting.
The wedding ring on his finger though was very prominent. My heart almost gave in. it is so rare for me to make a connection with a member of the opposite sex. Most times I just fake it. I fake the smile, I fake the conversation and I fake the attraction. It is what I know.
But with this man, I was me. For a few moments I reached out to another human being as a girl and he reached out as a boy. And then he turned out to be someone else’s husband. We made a couple of pretend business appointments where we talked and laughed. At the end of each laugh and each smile, there was this bitter sweet regret. We wanted each other, but we had principles or at least I did.
He swore to forsake all others years before I met him. He stood in front of hundreds of people, in a church and vowed to love only the woman he married.
I don’t do married men
My girlfriend Bev was a mistress for almost 25 years to a very rich man. He took her to exotic places in the world, but back home in Zimbabwe, he hid her from his friends and family. He came to her house all the time where she cooked and they had sex. He pretended he didn’t know her in public and although it hurt her like hell, she took it in her stride. Of course, that is the white man’s world because Bev was white and so was he.
Married men, in the white man’s world, do hide their mistresses. They don’t flaunt them about as our men do. They have sex with you in hotels and your place, never his place. They probably push you under tables and behind pillars too. It is all very secretive.
John Edwards is not standing by his product, if she is his product, with his so called mistress. Do you see how careful I have to get when I write that? In the white man’s world, the mistress is a position of total secrecy.
In the black man’s world
In Zimbabwe, the mistress is no secret to anyone, including the wife. She has to tolerate you at his family functions sometimes. On many occasions, you and the wife have little “housekeeping” conversations. I remember my mother’s best friend screaming at her husband’s mistress from across the street when I was five years old.
My best friend was a mistress for years before her very religious man divorced his wife, with the help of the church, for her. She and the wife already had some relationship going on there. At least at one time she sent my friend a bouquet of flowers to congratulate her on the birth of her baby by her husband. The church the man attended convinced him that God was alright with him getting rid of wife number one to marry my girlfriend.
In our world, the mistress holds the same place as the wife really, except that the mistress has no legal rights. When there is a child involved, our laws in Zimbabwe insist that the child has the same rights as those that were created in matrimony.
What happens when the two meet? I don’t know. I would love to hear readers’ experiences.
Back to my story about my crush on the very distinguished and totally, unsuitable married man. What a dilemma. And then began the internal struggle.
Internal struggle one: I should date him. Here were my reasons.
· He is the first man I have really connected with in years.
· He likes me too!
· I could use great sex in a hotel or my place. He makes me laugh, so he will surely give me an orgasm. Lord knows I need one.
· His wife would never know, and if she did, would I care?
· This is different. God ordained this meeting, he really did.
Internal struggle two: I don’t date married men. Here were my reasons.
· I am afraid of heartache. He will surely break my heart when he decides to stop seeing me because of his wife.
· What if I got pregnant?
· What if he was just using me to fill in the gaps in his life? (BIG ONE!!)
· I DON’T WANT TO BE HIDDEN NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND
I negotiated with myself
And so I tortured myself back and forth. I bargained and argued and wrestled with myself and my morals.
And then……I made a decision. I wasn’t going to make a decision at all. I am going to let life take its course. If I end up having a relationship with this man or not, so be it. In the meantime, I will enjoy my life by going out more often and meeting lots of other people who might excite me as he did.
I went to a nightclub with my girlfriends, I danced and kissed a boy and felt better. It was all good.
But, my internal struggle over this man makes me wonder how many of us fight with ourselves over this night and day. I know I am not the only one. As for me and this situation.. I will let you know. You know I will. Give God a couple of years to sort it out. See you then, same bat time, same bat station.
Believe me i never date a married man but i’ve on the other side:the wife side.
Let me tell u what i went tthrough with that man.
-He use to beat me evertime he will spend the evening with his misstress.
-I never new what was he’s best mood, when he comes from his whoring(believe me wifes know when husbunds are whoring).he never hjad money for the kids but he worked .
- I had to work two jobs to keep up with the bills because everytime i ask for his money, he gets mad.
-Valentines day he went out and bought a ver expencive chocolate from Laura secord(thing tha he never did for me).How did i found out? well he left the bill on his pants pocket.Sound familiar?
Now the funny part is:
They never leave the wife for the person they whoring with, isnt that weird?
Married men are like magic tricks- U never know what is REALLY going on!!
Thats true. Married men are like magic tricks. they are devious to the core.
My husband always cheated on me the whole 16 years we were together. Last year, in March of 08, I finally threw his ass out. He reunited with his main mistress from the early years of our being together. And guess what? Even with me not in the picture, she’s still the mistress. He has other women now and a main one that’s not her.
As happy as her misery makes me, it doesn’t ease the heartbreak of my family being broken up and how this man has ruined my self esteem and trust in other people. I feel like I hate ALL men because of him. Whenever a man tries to approach me, I either act like I don’t see him or stare at him hard until he leaves.
At the same time, I want more than anything to be loved and to be in love. But like you, the attraction has to be instant, cosmic and magnetic and I haven’t met that man yet.
This was a great post my sista. I’ll be sure to come by and check out your blog again.
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
In Zimbabwe they call them ‘SMALL HOUSES’.How about such a title for a beautiful woman like you(mistress wanna be)
Will never date a married man, reason who wants to be second best and married man never leaves their wife for mistresses, and always their excuse is their on the divorce process, which will never take> and at the end of the day you are left with a broken heart.